Sunday, February 18, 2018

How To Give Someone New a Chance After an Ex Cheated

Moving on after being betrayed and giving someone new a chance to show you they won't cheat isn't easy. But armed with newfound strength from what you've been through and insight into why people lie, it's totally possible.

Being cheated on is one of the worst things that can happen to us, and not only because it causes heartbreak, but because it also affects future relationships and makes it difficult to ever trust someone again.

This projection of feelings past onto future relationships is what we call baggage. Everyone has it, but the trick is to not let it consume your life and your relationships. Getting over infidelity and eventually giving someone new a chance is kind of like having a hangover: the only real cure is time.

Many of us would like to forget the pain we’re going through by being distracted by someone else. But when you’ve just gone through something as colossal as a betrayal of trust, it’s difficult not to transfer the hurt, distrust and anger you had for the person who broke your heart onto the next innocent bystander. You think that all men or women are scum and that you’ll end up getting hurt again. That’s why it’s crucial to give yourself some time to breathe and gain your confidence back before getting into a new relationship. The amount of time it takes differs from each person, but it could take months, or even years. After one of my exes cheated on me, I didn’t get close to anyone again for more than a year.

After you’ve given yourself enough time to get your life back on track (picking up some new hobbies or making a big change in your life doesn’t hurt) and you’re ready to date again, the next mission is to make sure you choose the right people to date. You don’t want to end up with another douche who will betray you, and the best way to realize that you can give another person a chance is to meet someone who will show you that the world isn’t full of cheaters: also known as a genuinely good human being. Meeting a genuinely good human being can take–you guessed it–time. You need to get to know someone before diving into a relationship, which will give you the opportunity to test the waters and make sure they’re not shark-infested. If he/she has any similar, red flag-type habits that your ex had, don’t get involved. The first guy I got into a relationship with after someone cheated on me was one of the kindest people and biggest romantics I’d ever met. We didn’t end up working out, but he effectively showed me that not everyone sucks.

And now you ask, “How can I tell if I’m picking the right person to date? How do I know he/she won’t cheat on me just like the last person did?” Well, you don’t know for sure. But sometimes life throws you a curve ball that hits you in the face, and you have to pick yourself up and keep moving. The best you can do is be open-minded, open-hearted, and remember that after what you’ve been through, you’re a little bit smarter and more aware.

Another way to help make sure you don’t pick someone who will cheat is to understand why people (men, specifically, in this case) lie and how to decode certain behaviors.


One Response to “How To Give Someone New a Chance After an Ex Cheated”
  1. Carla says:

    Late nights at the offcie and switched off cell phones may get your conscience stirring. But how do you know if your girlfriend is really cheating on you? This guide will help you determine if your girlfriend displays some significant signs of cheating.First it is important to understand the difference between how women and men treat infidelity. Generally, men are known to cheat for sexual pleasure only. While this is a part of why some women cheat, the reasoning is more complex. Women cheat for a variety of reasons, most of them to fill a void that she is not receiving in her current relationship. She may be looking for someone who is a better listener, someone who enjoys the same hobby or someone who doesn’t expect sex every day. The difference in reasoning behind the infidelity means she will show different signs of cheating than a man would.One of the leading signs that your girlfriend is cheating is a noticeable void in her need for your attention. Since she is now having that particular need met elsewhere, she will not pursue you to fill this need any longer. For example, if your girlfriend is an avid art collector she may encourage you to accompany her to an art show. If this is an important part of who she is as a person, it is also important to her that you respect her interests. If you refuse to attend any of these shows with her, she may find someone who will fill this need. This person could be a friend, but if there is an attraction and this other person is willing to fill this void, she may decide to cheat. This is one example, and one that can be applied to a variety of scenarios. The key is, if there’s something that means a lot to her that she constantly asks you to do and then one day stops asking all together, it may not be because she’s given up. There’s a good chance someone else is fulfilling this need.Another sign that your girlfriend is cheating is when she begins telling you less about her and turning the focus completely on you. By nature, women enjoy talking about things. Women like to talk about our days and enjoy sharing many details about their lives with you. If women have something to hide, it makes it difficult for them to share details about their day without lying about what has happened. If she has stopped sharing, begin asking about her day. If she seems reluctant to share, or provides a one sentence answer and changes the subject, it could be a sign of infidelity.Women are generally big on affection. Most enjoy hand holding, kissing and cuddling. However if they are cheating, this is one of the things that will change. Women get very emotional about infidelity. They will ponder over the situation for most of their day, and this can trigger many feelings of guilt. Every time she now has to be intimate with you on any level, it will bring to mind her infidelity and cause her to feel very uncomfortable. If your girlfriend is constantly avoiding your affection, this is a strong sign she’s cheating.Another sign is her paying more attention to her physical appearance. Of course, if your girlfriend already focuses heavily on appearance, this may not be a sign at all. But if your girlfriend usually leaves the house in sweats and little makeup and now is putting on a nice outfit, makeup and fixing her hair for simple things like going to the grocery store, it may be cause for concern. If she suddenly is focusing on a diet and exercise regimen and makes no mention of what sparked her motivation, this could be a signal of infidelity.Separately, these signs may be nothing more than a small change in behavior. But if your intuition says she’s cheating and she displays two or more of these signs, there’s a good chance your hunch could be correct. In addition to becoming aware of these signs, make mental notes of strange cell phone calls (whispering or shutting it off when ringing), excessive time on the computer (possibly e-mailing or chatting with someone) and check up casually when she’s out running errands or having a girl’s night to see if she answers the phone.Of course, the best way to really know if your girlfriend has cheated is to confront her face to face. There is a possibility she will lie or become offended, but if enough evidence has mounted, this should be a risk you are willing to take. Determine beforehand if you want to work out the relationship or if you want to end things so you can set the grounds of honesty. If you decide to work things out, make her promise to end the affair immediately and consider attending couples counseling to build back trust and begin fulfilling each other’s needs rather than looking elsewhere.

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